Ruminations on Self-Sabotage

From my journals

Self-sabotage comes in many forms. Some are idiotically easy to spot but they camouflage themselves in the easy liews we tell ourselves. For me it's “I'm a perfectionist.” It sounds easy enough to most (if you had to have a malady) until you have to deal with all the ugly consequences of not giving yourself grace to be a full human. To allow failure, which is necessary for growth, to decimate instead of being the impetus for meaningful change.The obstacle is the way. This is a life lesson my spirit guides have drilled into me over the past few months. I can't be perfect. It's conceited even to fathom such an obvious lie.

Once I let down my guard to accept my own gifts and to be free and happy to learn the life lessons… wow the lessons started flying at me. I had to just take the hits because it was necessary to sit with the pain for growth to occur. I spent so much of my time building walls that I became the architect of my own prison. To live is to feel. I can't keep myself safe from life and the messy emotions of the human experience or run away from my frailties or - worse yet - deny that I even have any failings. The thing that eats at me the most is that my fear of failure, my arrogant pursuit of perfection, was keeping me from living the life I desperately wanted - the life I have. I don't have to know everything or be good (or exemplary) in everything or anything actually. I just have to believe in myself, those who love me, and leap. Just try.

The Obstacle is the Way Through

Success breeds success because you get accustomed to losing. You learn that the lessons you need to be successful are found within the challenges. I can have anything and everything I want but I have to set my attention and trust. Trust that it is coming for me in due time and the lessons I encounter along the way are part of what's necessary to receive it all. My continued feelings of inadequacy and worthiness are problematic but I can't wait until I'm healed to start. I have to start while healing. The obstacle is the way through. Avoiding the obstacles is futile and arrogant. God and my spirit guides are walking with me throughout. I can trust them and the process. Let go and go with faith. Accept the unknown and stop trying to force my way. The no’s are part of the process to vet if you are ready for the yes. It is not a loss it's a lesson.

Not starting or attempting to skirt the messy parts of growth means I'm willfully neglecting God's gifts that he is sending freely to me. I have to be open to accept the hurt, pain, and disorder to make it through to what I desire. The scary parts. The dark hours. The uncertainty. God has always provided for me. It is only when I stopped taking risks that I stagnated. Because I stopped accepting his gifts for what they were. I will do better. I have always been a risk taker. The problem came during my dissertation when I refused to learn the lessons: rely on others, ask for help, and don’t hide your flaws and struggles. So I gave up instead of learning and pushing my way through. It wasn't that the lesson was too hard but I was unwilling and scared of success to modify and change my approach. I neglected to truly learn the lesson and integrate it into my experiences. I called it stupid or waste of time instead of recognizing my problems and acting on them. That's classic self-sabotage. So easy to see in others but overlook in self.

Take Stock of What's Actually Stopping You

Self-sabotaging is a learned behavior so it also can be unlearned, but it takes time and effort to retrain yourself. This can be easier said than done for most, but recognition is the first step. Now you can do something about it. It will get easier over time.